Smile, It's Friday!

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:
40-ish.................................49.
Adventurous.....................Slept with everyone.
Athletic...............................No breasts.
Average looking................Moooo.
Beautiful.............................Pathological liar.
Emotionally Secure...........On medication.
Feminist...............................Fat.
Free Spirit............................Junkie.
Friendship first.....................Former slut.
New-Age........................Body hair in the wrong places.
Old-fashioned.....................No B.J.'s
Open-minded......................Desperate.
Outgoing..............................Loud and embarrassing.
Professional........................Bitch.
Voluptuous......... ................Very fat.
Large frame..........................Hugely fat.

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
Yes....................................No
No......................................Yes
Maybe.................................No
We need...............................I want
We need to talk......................You're in trouble
Sure, go ahead........................You better not
Do what you want..................You will pay for this later
I am not upset..............Of course, I am upset, you moron!
You're attentive tonight.....Is sex all you ever think about?

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING MEN'S ENGLISH:
I am hungry...........................I am hungry
I am sleepy............................I am sleepy
I am tired..............................I am tired
Nice dress..............................Nice cleavage!
I love you.............................Let's have sex now
I am bored..........................Do you want to have sex?
May I have this dance?.........I'd like to have sex with you.
Can I call you sometime?.......I'd like to have sex with you.
Can I take you to a movie?.....I'd like to have sex with you.
Can I take you to dinner?......I'd like to have sex with you.
Those shoes do not go with that outfit.............I'm gay


An Australian scientist has invented a bra which offers
more support and prevents a woman's breasts from bouncing
up and down.
After announcing his invention, the scientist was taken
outside where a large group of men beat the shit out of
him.


"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and
it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until
they mature into something which you'd like to have dinner
with." -Anonymous woman


Whats the difference between a Lawyer and a snake?
Theres a difference?

Whats the difference between a politician and a thief?
There is honor among thieves.

Whats the difference between Nancy Pelosi and an Illegal immigrant?
An illegal immigrant will give you an honest days work.


Three guys are debating who has the best memory.
First guy says, "I can remember the first day of my first
grade class."

Second guy says, "I can remember my first day at nursery
school!"

Not to be outdone, the third guy says, "That's nothing. I
can remember going to the senior prom with my dad, and
coming home with my mom."