Thursday, May 22, 2008

U.S. Achieves Goal: Osama Bin Laden Dead

It was widely reported today in the Arab world media that Osama Bin Laden has died.

The U.S. Central Intelligence Agency confirmed the report as true. It seems that Osama died in a fit of uncontrollable laughter after reading the headlines touting the crash of the American economy, brought on by the greed of Commodity Traders driving the price of gasoline and food out of the reach of most consumers.

The resulting meltdown has all but stopped deliveries of foodstuffs to urban centers and the Government is now encouraging citizens to relocate to specially designed food distribution camps, run by FEMA. Security teams provided by Blackwater will be on hand to keep order and reduce the possibility of rioting. You are encouraged to bring bedding and the whole family for verification of food allocation. Pickup services will be provided.

An emergency session of congress has decided to remedy the crisis by giving themselves a 20% cost of living raise, personal security teams and guaranteed delivery of pizza at all hours. Certain members of congress urged that a bill be passed that outlaws law enforcement sting operations in public bathrooms. This bill has met stiff opposition from members of both partys.

In other news, a nationwide truckers strike has been called because, well , they are fed up with the way fuel costs have skyrocketed. Government handling of this crisis has created windfall riches for the ruling elite at the expense of the middleclass. However, nothing was heard from anti-poverty advocates as they have all starved to death.

Following this development, demand for government services has dropped tremendously from the previous 2 quarters. Demand for welfare benefits such as housing, healthcare and food stamps has fallen off 99% in this quarter as it seems the dead require nothing in the way of services. This has worried government workers in the Welfare system as they now face layoffs due to lack of demand.
If I don't laugh, I will cry.


  1. Fear not, my friend! Hope and Change will save the day! President Obama will talk with everyone, prices will drop and everything will be better than before! /sarc


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